I Am Enough, I Am Worthy
Some people say it’s not our deficiency that scares us most but the depth and extent of our power. Most of us have had years, perhaps decades, recounting our failures to ourselves. We’re not enough this or that, and we cry too easily but can’t express ourselves forcefully in words, we don’t exude confidence or command attention, and our weight, well, our weight has never been right and the older we get the more un-right it becomes. So much to complain about. So much to criticize. We can work on ourselves forever and some of us have. Not only the gym but higher education and psychotherapy and spiritual practices. And the more we do, often the more ensconced in the process of ‘doing’ we become.
Finally, it is more comfortable to detail our latest inner project than to confirm our self love. After years of repeating, I am not worthy in the Catholic Church, I was unable to think much less say, I am enough and I’m available. And for partnership in mid-life, that’s really all that’s required — to show up and to be fully present.
Being present to ourselves is a challenge. We’ve spent the first half of life doing, achieving, struggling, working, striving, juggling, and distracting. Now to sit and to be and to notice what it is to be ourselves this second, well, that is a shift. And not always as comfortable as it sounds. Really, it sounds like paradise, doesn’t it? Sitting and breathing and being and not worrying, not even thinking. But after about . . . say . . . 20 seconds . . .the little anxieties begin to gnaw at the edges. What about the heat, did I turn off the burner? Did I remember to lock the door? And put the tax payment in the mail? And order wine for the dinner party? And return yesterday’s phone call? Oh, yes, I’m breathing and being right now. OK. Breathe. . . . In . . . Out . . . and her doctor’s appointment, what was she told? Is she OK? Breathe. . . . And be.
Moving through mid-life is like meditating. The same surrender is required, the same dispassionate observation, the same presence. Just breathing and being present. And waiting and paying attention. And doing it all again. And again. Moment by moment for years.
The momentum that propels us from within that spot in our centers gains power and force at mid-life. The little tinkerings of our minds only slow it down. When we can release any fantasy of being in control and let our own Life Spirit grab the reins of our lives, then we open to the adventure.
But we must release all the ‘I-am-not-worthys,’ all the self-doubt and criticism and aggrandizement, all the artificially manufactured resistances to just being present to life. It’s really all fear and control, anyway, isn’t it? And at mid-life we choose to move beyond defensive constructions into that realm where we just be and breathe and release this moment and be and breathe. We focus on pure being and on responding as we are called to respond out of our presence to the moment.
And therein, we find power. It’s not ‘our’ power. It’s the power of being present to Life and participating as we are led. The power we experience is based on letting go. We have no investment in the outcome, no goal we’re trying to actualize. We simply be. Power flows through us as we allow it and we let it move. We participate in Power, we don’t initiate it or direct it or profit by it. We are simply conduits using the clarity we have polished with all of our self-improvement and practice and discipline. We are available. Owning our power is committing to being available from our center, without personal investment, without an eye to any particular outcome, practicing presence, and letting go.
Then, however we are moved, we can trust.